Let Us Just be Friends

It doesn’t take much time for adolescents to be in a relationship nor to fall away from it. My previous post, ‘Love at first sight,’ states why we fall in love instantly or after sometime. The next question comes ‘why then we (sometimes) tends to end a relation (for sundry reasons) if not sooner but later?’ Quite many of you, who have experienced breakup/s, will agree with me that you or your partner usually fails to give a justified reason for breakup. If there is no solid reason (usually there aren’t any) for breakup/s, then why the breakup/s occur?

Breakup/s, no matter who is receiving, you or your partner, it’s difficult for both people. When you rejecting someone after a brief or long relation, it only displays that the person is not good enough for you. This not-good-enough feeling is very difficult to swallow for your partner with whom you broke up with. Some people feel that the reason for their living is slowly fading away.

Breakup/s tends to arrest our psychological (which may also affect our physiological) development. We tend to feel more insecure about ourselves, unloved and we also lose trust from people or even from love. All these emotions put our brain into depression mode. Depression is a natural human reaction. Our sadness influences the release of certain neurotransmitters (norepinephrine or serotonin) which causes depression when released in little amount. 

Breakup is not as painful as it seems. However, experience of breakup can pop up other painful memories from past which makes the experience of breakup more and more unbearable. The cerebral regions namely the insula and the anterior cingulate cortex are storehouses of painful experiences and thus pain from a breakup can linger for quite a long time.

Our post-breakup/s experienced mind can play other tricks too with us. Often a person can grow an

obsessed mind towards his/her ex-lover. This is usually experienced by women but men can easily distract themselves and move-on with their lives. Certain activities, places and people which were associated with the love life can actually provide mental torment. Such things can provoke the to-be-together feeling all over again. It may also cause more depression, distress and hopelessness. Therefore, try avoiding such things that might make you think of the person who left you or you may have left him/her for some reason or the other.

If breakup is so painful, then why in the first place, do we opt for the breakup?    

We don’t plan to fall out from a relation but we are forced to. Unhealthy, abusive or possessive relation can kill the charm and love in a relation resulting in a breakup (for good). If your relation is similar to the above mentioned relations, then you can close your eyes and go for a breakup. In a healthy relation, your partner will respect your decisions and feelings and will never force you to do something you are not comfortable with. Your partner will never try to control you, manipulate you, change the person you are and the most important thing is that your partner will understand you. If these things are absent in your relation then you should reconsider whether your relation is a healthy or unhealthy one.

Jealousy & Possessiveness

Many relations break or embittered by jealousy, over-possessiveness, or both. But why lovers feel jealous or over-possessive?

Jealousy is the most negative emotion in human beings that can end almost any relationship. Jealousy actually arises from insecurity within oneself and lack of trust and faith in partner. Jealousy is often the result of over-possessiveness. Insecure feelings make a person suspect his/her lover for almost about everything.

There are four reasons why jealousy is instigated in one’s mind :

• Insecurity

• Over-possessiveness

• Lack of communication

• Distrust

Insecurity: It is the biggest factor due to which an individual often becomes jealous of the other person his/her partner is befriended with. This result in lack of faith in one’s partner and eventually the relationship grows into suspicious and bitter relation. It can incite huge quarrels gradually destroying the love and finally annihilating the could-have-been-beautiful relationship. Insecurity about a person makes an individual uneasy and suspicious about everything around him/her including his/her partner.

Over-possessiveness: The insecure feeling triggers the possessive feeling. However, possessiveness can also be triggered due to past life experience. Suppose, a person from his/her infant have lost many thing which he/she considered to be his/her prized possession. Now, when that person is in active relationship, he/she doesn’t want to lose his/her partner. The partner becomes his/her prized possession. However, to make sure that he/she doesn’t lose his/her beloved partner becomes possessive. They try to eliminate every possible threat that might make him/her lose his/her partner. They often suspect their partner out of curiosity only to make sure that they are not being cheated and their relationship is not in danger. This way they only make their partner’s life captivity and keeping check on their partner makes their partner disgruntle and they often feel unloved.

 

Lack of communication: Often lack of communication can be the cause of jealousy. Hiding something from the partner often leads to distrust. This lack of trust and communication leads to jealousy and possessiveness. The thought that the partner will leave us after finding someone else makes us anxious and even without our will we become jealous and possessive.

Distrust: When a person unable to place their trust in their partner they usually become possessive and jealous. If a person has lost his/her love earlier for whatever reason maybe, he/she tends to suffer from insecurity and might often feel confused about his/her relationship and the most important part is he/she may not be concern about it. The insecurity in him/her makes him/her both jealous and possessive about the existing partner. The fear that works behind the curtain is the fear that their beloved might leave them if they cannot get well with the relationship. Thus, they tend to become possessive.

Psychologists suggest that jealousy and possessiveness can get programmed in our subconscious mind even from our childhood. Bad memories and experiences of childhood like loneliness or loss of some close person can be responsible for making a person possessive. Jealousy and possessiveness is generic and often found that a person having the mentioned emotion is equally possessive about other things that are dear to him/her.

How does possessiveness and jealousy decay a relationship?

Jealousy and possessiveness are like cancer. There is no cure if it is not checked in its initial stage and death is inevitable. Likewise, if these above mentioned adverse emotions are not checked they slowly but certainly destroys a relationship. Initially ones partner may judge such behavior as a sign of abundant love but generally as it grows to nagging and other negative attribute come forward, the partner can feel suffocated and controlled resulting in breakup or as in marital cases, divorce.

These adverse emotions are self-consuming too. As one try to control everything, he/she usually disrupts everything making cracks in relationship.

Relationship is mainly built on trust and faith. Lack of these two cannot establish a beautiful and everlasting relationship. Therefore, love cannot be taken by force but one has to earn it. After all, a captivated bird even in golden cage thinks of escaping and enjoying the mirth of freedom.

Jamie, an enthusiastic goal-getter and photographer blogged this following insight in her blog :

“Don’t be possessive, because whenever you are possessive you simply show that you are a beggar. Whenever you try to possess, you simply show that you don’t possess it; otherwise there is no effort. You are the master. There is no need to try for it.
For example, if you love a person: if you try to possess the person, then you don’t love him. You are also not certain about his love. That’s why you create all safety measures, surround him by every trick, by cunningness, by cleverness, so that he cannot leave you. But you are killing love. Love is freedom, love gives freedom, love lives in freedom. Love is, in its intrinsic core, freedom. You will destroy the whole thing.

If you really love, there is no need to possess.  - Osho