Virginity At Stake

Sex is the most powerful arsenal given to man and one should not engage in it until marriage. The question is ‘why?’

Once I came across an article where sex was compared with the atom bomb. It said:

Sex is a powerful force that can destroy if not used properly. Like atomic power, sex is the most powerful creative force given to man. When atomic power is used correctly, it can create boundless energy; when it is used in the wrong way it destroys life. Sex is the same kind of powerful force. Sex is a gift from God to give us the greatest pleasure, to help in creating a deep companionship with one's spouse and for procreation of the next generation. But, if you play with this powerful force outside the bounds of marriage, it destroys you and those close to you.

Sex is an important part of our life. Sex reassures the survival of species (birth of new infant). In Indian culture, premarital sex is viewed as taboo.

Human beings in fact are sexual beings. Starting from the time of maturity until old age, human beings get sexually aroused in numerous occasion (more obvious for men). Sometimes non-sexual touch by a woman at certain places (like shoulder or thigh) can make a man misinterpret it as a sexual interest. Our mentality is inclined towards sex mostly by media, peers and by our hormones. Men get erection whenever they get aroused along with increase in heartbeat and faster breathing whereas women generally breathe faster and their heartbeat increases.

Sexual activity has increased since 1960 and the rate of premarital sex and pregnancy has increased. However, taking the decision of having ‘sex’ was never easy for both men and women for the first time. Mixed feeling of fear and guilt was always a concern for the people of both the sexes. Deciding whether to engage in the act of sex deserves careful thought. It’s not surprising to hear a 9^th or 10^th grade student had sex. Though first act of lovemaking was always memorable for a couple, it is not same for the teenagers or at least not for females. In case of teenagers, sexual intercourse are not planned nor given a though about place, time and privacy but it just happens.

An Iowa State University Psychology Professor, Gerrard, reasoned this behavior in engaging in sexual activity as:

A more reasoned path that leads to intention to engage in a behavior; or a more intuitive path that leads to an openness or willingness to engage in a behavior. These two modes are always active

in everybody, but a situation may lead an adolescent in one direction or another. Some people are more prone to operate in a more reasoned fashion, while others are more impulsive.

Premarital sexual activity can seize the psychological, academic, and social development. This is because teenagers are not mature enough to deal with the psychological, physical, and social consequences. Virginity is the greatest gift a person can give his/her lover. Virginity must be lost to such a person who would live in a committed relation with you bonded by marriage. If in an active relationship, a couple is dating but doesn’t engage in the act of sex, can forget about the relation and move on when they get separated. But if a couple engaged themselves in sexual activity and then breakup, the nature of sexual involvement creates strong, often unpleasant reminiscences for the rest of the life and sometimes even creates trouble in later marriage life mainly for women. This is because oxytocin, which is also called the cuddle hormone, is releases during intercourse. This creates a deep bond between the two partners engaged in sexual act. Apart from these, there are always chances of transmission of Sexually transmitted Disease (STDs) like AIDS and herpes that have no cure.

If your partner truly loves you, he/she will wait for the right time, as he/she would want the very best for you. He/she will not want you to suffer from fear, guilt, unwanted pregnancy, or any psychological disorder. The best place to experience lovemaking is in the love nest of marriage itself.

Secret of Osculation

Does kissing means only the meeting of lips or expression of love or is it deeper and meaningful than just that?

Movies often show the enactment of kiss which maybe out of simple romance or having sexual innuendo (according to the script). Some kisses are dry while some are wet, some are fast while some are slow and some are tender while some are furious. We see different arsenal of kiss in movies but these scenes in the movie are used to incite and make the audience feel the love between the lovers in the film.

The act of osculation i.e. kiss, is the most beautiful way to express love for someone. Kiss can be done for numerous purposes – greeting, to convey affection, in religious ceremonies (as in Christianity), for consoling, for romance and during lovemaking. However, media only focuses on the fact that the osculation happens only between lovers and married couples. This effect of media made the act of osculation a taboo in the society. Its adverse effect doesn’t end here. Most teenagers have kissed within 3-4 months of their new relationship. They feel the urge to kiss as they think they should do it as they are in a relationship. They consider it a must as the media had programmed their subconscious mind with the idea that a relationship is incomplete without a kiss. They feel (mostly men), that by kissing, they are conveying some kind of note to others that they are the possessor of the person they have kissed. It’s almost similar to the nature of wild animals who mark their territory and the consequence can be dangerous for any trespasser. Even in relationship, if someone talks with an individual’s lover, a feeling of jealousy and annoyance is evoked.

 

However, kiss is one of the most beautiful yet deadly weapon given to mankind. A kiss can either strengthen a bond or can destroy a relationship. Psychologist Helen Fisher suggested that men's saliva contains testosterone, which they transfer to women to increase the latter's sex drive. Likewise, men use the woman's saliva to learn about the woman's fertility. Is a kiss just bound to the above-mentioned fact or there are more reasons why lovers are more inclined to kiss even before they have wholly known about their lovers?

The first kiss between lovers is the most beautiful and memorable kiss a person could ever experience in his/her whole life. There is satisfaction, trust, and curiosity in the first kiss. Kissing is not a sexual act but deeper than that. It symbolizes an emotional bond. Women give more importance to kiss rather than sex as they always want an emotional connection. The same is not same for men. According to Maryanne Fisher, Ph.D., Kissing represents one of the most romantic acts that can be performed, and because women tend to like romance, they like kissing. Sometimes kiss can be propelled out by the sexual desire but only to create an emotional bond. As Judy Garland once said, “T'was not my lips you kissed but my soul.”

As relation proceeds, kiss becomes a minor necessity for men but more important to women. However, it is seen that men prefer wet kiss than women do i.e. men prefer more tongue contact and saliva. As mentioned before kiss provides essential information about the mate, unfortunately men are not gifted with

chemosensory detection unlike women. Women have developed taste buds in their tongue and thus they are also good in chemosensory detection. This is why men prefer more tongue contact and saliva.

Therefore, osculation is a crucial part in one’s relationship. 6 out of 10 teenagers have experienced kiss but most of their relationship are short-lived. So, the sweet memory of their first kiss becomes a nightmare later after breakup as they cannot or tend to feel that they cannot move on. However, kiss has become very common now-a-days and somewhere it has lost its true reason i.e. creation of emotional bond.

Talking and Listening

Often a woman becomes irritated when she shares her emotions and problems with his man and the man offers solutions, interrupting her. Why? If she doesn’t want solutions then why she is sharing her problem with you?

When it comes to talking with women, many men do initiate a conversation but soon runs out of topic to continue the conversation and goes silent. This is not a very uncommon scenario. Men were never good conversationalist at least when compared with women. We have often witness that in a group of both men and women, women do most of the talking while men don’t. It may seem that the men are silent in compared to the girls. But why is it so? Why men aren’t as good conversationalist as women are?

  
In men, speaking and language skills are operated in the rear part of left hemisphere of the brain while front part of left hemisphere and few portions in right hemisphere in case of women. MRI scan shows that male has few hot spots for speech function in compared to women who have quite large number of brain activity in both the hemisphere. The involvement of both the hemisphere during conversation for women unlike men makes them a great conversationalist. Even it is seen that on Valentine Day or on any birthday, men usually browses for cards, which have lots of words in it as they find it difficult to express in form of words. That’s why men find it very difficult to propose a girl as they fish for words but the same was never a problem for any women to express.

But why talking is so important? Talking with partners strengthen the bond between the partners. It not only allows an individual to know more about his/her partner but also deepens a relationship. Men’s brain is made in such a way by nature that they can store and lock everything away and never get bothered. But for women the same is not true. Everything that is in her mind keep troubling her till she has shared with someone. However when a woman shares her problems and emotions, it’s because she need to discharge whatever was troubling her. She neither wants any kind of interruptions or solutions. She just wants a good listener. And men fail in that too. They judge everything by logic and thus they make a woman irritated by interrupting her and offering her solutions.

Why men don’t like to talk or talk less? From the primeval time, men evolved as hunters, guardians, and problem solvers. They were the ones on whom the whole family was dependent and if he was afraid or shows anxiety then his nest would be chaotic with fear. Thus, they controlled their emotions of fear and anxiety and used to hide his fear by least talking. Even in this 21^st century, men are still the same even though their occupation has changed. When they are asked to solve a problem, they excuse themselves to get time to think with his power of logic and reasoning with an expressionless face. It is only after they have found a solution they seem to have an animated face, as they are ready to communicate. When a man is sitting idle or as it may seem he is, actually he is preoccupied with thoughts. Men are likely to talk silently and mostly with themselves. If they are interrupted, they get annoyed, as they feel disturbed in their thinking process and of course, men can’t do two things at a time.

Talking less for men was never a difficulty. However, a man not communicating with his partner on regular basis might make the charm in their relationship go away and his partner can easily feel unloved. Women talks only to strengthen and deepen the relationship. Thus, if a man wants to get well along with a woman, he needs to learn to talk.

 

Again, women need to verify their way of talking with men. When a woman shares her emotions or problems maybe on friendly basis, men interpret in a wrong way. The man presumes that the women are ‘damsels in distress. The man tends to think that the woman is only giving him a list of problems to solve.

Therefore, in a relationship it is very important for men to understand that women will talk to share her emotions but solutions to problems are not always required. Most of the problems will solve if a man can listen more and never interrupts a woman who is speaking. Women too need to understand that when a man wants solitude, it’s not because there is something wrong but they need to think about everything that he’s experiencing. Giving them that privacy will not only increase the respect a man has for his woman but also they will get along beautifully with each other.

Choosing The Right Person

It is not unusual to witness that most of the teenagers are driven by solely by their feelings towards their love life. We don’t plan or consciously decide who would be our potential partner. They usually feel a deep urge to be with a person they are attracted to and they often conclude that they have found their ideal person to love. However, some teenagers do ponder upon the criteria they want in their partner but when it comes to real practice, most of them allows themselves to be carried away with the mesmerizing feeling of new love. However as mentioned in my previous blog, that certain hormones are responsible for triggering the feeling of ‘being in love’. Then, isn’t it possible that an individual will fall for anyone (maybe) in a social gathering, on streets and wherever possible? But that doesn’t happen. It seems that only a particular person usually attracts someone’s fancy and it seems that the person might have born just for that someone.

The reason is very simple. We actually/usually choose a person or rather are attracted to person whose superficial characteristic or personality satisfies our underlying needs. For example, in 85% cases the average looking girls want a charming or at least a good looking person and such girls are generally least bother about the personality of her partner. Again, good-looking girls often don’t bother about a person’s look but they want a decent chap to be their life partner. In first case, the average looking girls looks for good-looking partner as they consider themselves not to be so beautiful. Therefore, their underlying need is superficial quality that is ‘good looks’. Thus, they generally get attracted to good-looking boys rather than decent not-so-good looking guy. However, in the second case a charming lady knows that she is beautiful and her charm will entice numerous suitors. Therefore, her underlying need is for a decent chap who would love her but not for her beauty. Most of the teenagers think that having a girlfriend as beautiful as ‘Taylor Swift’ might earn him some appreciation rather than being concern about loving her. Thus, a beautiful woman generally searches for an honest and faithful person and even looks is a minor factor in these cases.

What actually happens is, our subconscious mind acts as radar constantly scanning for certain characteristics in people (Usually among social circle and generally of opposite sex). Our subconscious mind generally search for such characteristics that we lack ourselves (not always) or we are insecure about. That is why often we witness that a couple with different opinion and different mentality are living together. In such cases, we say that ‘unlike poles attract’ but what happens is that they try to incorporate in themselves the habits and characteristics they don’t have (or maybe not good at) but their partner does. We are generally not aware of it but our subconscious mind silently does its work.

After our subconscious mind chooses a specific person, our brain gives certain ‘love signals’ that are according to psychologist are prewired in the primitive part of our brain. We often hear the saying, ‘love needs no word.’ This saying is true because more than words, the love signals can describe the love more beautifully. Certain facial expression like fleeting smile, eye contacts (a girl generally looks at a man she fancies for quite some time and when his eyes meets hers, then after on an average of five seconds she looks away and after few minutes she again looks at him and the process continues for about three times until the man approaches her). Body language like she would straighten her up and sits emphasizing her breasts or crosses her legs or ankles and if she is standing she would generally tilt her hips and her head sideways towards one shoulder, exposing her bare neck. She might play with her hair, lick her lips, play with her hair, cloth, or jewelry; she might adjust her clothes, or would look for opportunity to initiate a light tough on shoulder or hand (beware: nonsexual touch always don’t covey an interest. Look for other signals too).

If we are attracted to a person and plan to be in a relationship and  if we think it is a good thing to do then we can actually go for it and enjoy ‘being in love’. But, a critical problem lies. We often fall for a person to whom we are only attracted and don’t know the person well. We don’t see if we have mental compatibility or we don’t think if we can go well along with the person. The person’s superficial quality or his/her behavior might attract us but his/her her habits, ethical values. Attitudes may not be known even for months and it’s not extraordinary that we may not get well along with it. In such cases, the lover and the love that initially seemed to be charming might turn into a spiteful relation. There is no way we can predict it but we can avoid it if we wait for about 6-7 months or maybe a year before we make a decision to get into a relationship. It might seem too long, but a person who truly loves you will wait but a person who is merely experiencing infatuation may wait but would soon lose patience. The path of love was never a flowerbed but full of thorns. There will be hard times but true love will always triumph. 

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom:

- Shakespeare

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